The Hidden Harms of Mum Guilt (When It Goes Unchecked)

The other day, I was coaching an incredible woman — a mother, a leader, and a truly inspiring human — who confided something I hear far too often:

"I love being back at work... but I feel so guilty for enjoying it."

Mum guilt.It creeps in quietly, wrapping itself around even our most joyful moments. It whispers that if we’re succeeding in one area — like work — we must be failing in another. It convinces us that enjoying our careers somehow means we’re neglecting our children.

But what if that guilt isn’t telling us the truth?What if, instead, it’s quietly hurting us?

What Is Mum Guilt, Really?

Psychologists describe “mum guilt” as a form of internalised pressure — often driven by deeply ingrained social norms about what a “good mother” should look like. It tends to be emotionally charged but factually unsupported, and it’s especially common among working mothers.

One 2019 study found that the majority of working mums experience persistent guilt, particularly when they believe work is interfering with their role as a caregiver. But here’s the important part: that guilt is more strongly tied to personal beliefs and societal expectations than to actual harm being done to their children.

In other words: we feel guilty, even when we're doing an amazing job.

The Hidden Costs of Letting Guilt Run the Show

When mum guilt goes unchecked, it does more than just make us feel bad — it affects our behaviour, our mental health, and even our ability to show up fully in our lives.

1. It saps your joy. Guilt often shows up during moments of happiness. A peaceful coffee alone, a successful work presentation, or an hour at the gym can be tainted by thoughts of what you “should” be doing instead. Over time, this dulls your ability to enjoy the very things that refill your cup.

2. It distorts your perspective. Unchecked guilt creates a kind of tunnel vision. You stop seeing the reality of how much you’re doing — the school pickups, the bedtime cuddles, the endless emotional support — and focus only on where you “fell short.” It’s an unfair internal audit that’s skewed against you.

3. It feeds burnout. Psychologists have found that guilt-driven behaviours (like overcompensating at home or avoiding self-care) are strongly linked to maternal burnout. One study showed that mothers who constantly feel they are failing — even when they’re objectively not — experience higher stress, exhaustion, and even symptoms of depression.

4. It teaches the wrong lesson. This one stings. When we let guilt dictate our choices, our children watch us put our needs last. Over time, that becomes part of their blueprint: “Mums sacrifice. Mums don’t get to thrive.”But what if we modelled something different? What if our daughters saw us pursuing joy, balance, and purpose — without apology?

Why This Matters (More Than You Think)

Neuroscience shows that guilt is a social emotion — one that evolved to help us course-correct when we’ve done something wrong. But in modern motherhood, it’s often misfiring. Instead of helping us stay connected to our kids, it drives disconnection from ourselves.

And that’s the real cost:When mum guilt becomes a permanent background noise, it silences our inner voice. It clouds our confidence. And it keeps us stuck in survival mode, when we were made to thrive.

What You Can Do

The goal isn’t to eliminate mum guilt — that may not be realistic. But we can question it, challenge it, and stop letting it run the show.

Start by asking yourself:

• Is this guilt based on facts, or fear?

• Would I expect this of a friend?

• What do I want my child to believe about motherhood, success, and self-worth?

Because here’s the truth:You can love your children and love your work.You can be present and pursue your passions.You can thrive — not just survive — and raise children who believe that’s possible too.

If this resonates, stay tuned — I’m diving deeper into this topic in an upcoming series on mum guilt, where we’ll unpack its roots, its impact, and how to rewrite the story for good. 💛